A Fool's Gold

Months ago, I shared “Clara” and “Dissonance”. They were moving perspectives of the struggle between parts of me, centered around the romantic relationship I was in at the time. And despite what I had envisioned, I soon found out I was chasing ” A Fool’s Gold”. You see, the very moment he admitted to his relationship, and I continued to see him, I was teaching him how to treat me. I was clearly telling him: “It is ok not to call and only text cause I know you’re with your family.” “It’s ok not to take me out because someone may see us and tell her.”

It’s ok for you us to have sex on a weekly basis, cause that’s all you can give me and that’s all you want.”

I was chasing the high I experienced in our first encounter, our first touch, kiss, our first love making. I analogize it to the first high of a drug abuser…there is nothing like that first draw, snort, or hit…and once you experience it, you will do anything to have it again. Even if it means forsaking yourself. You chase and chase, only coming up with nothing…nothing compared to that first time. By then, you have expended multiple resources, damaged relationships and lost yourself….you become dissonant.

As time went on, I came up with nothing. Everyday that went by was another day of realization. Although we made love on a weekly basis, it was never enough to get me back to where I once was, nor was it enough to overshadow the obvious….he would never leave his common law marriage to be with me. Although my face was beautiful, ass was soft and round and my coochie was magnetic, that wasn’t enough to leave familiarity for unfamiliarity.

I am no longer a Fool….