Moving On

I told him that I was going off to college in August. His response, “I hope you got money for that because I don’t. And don’t put any loans in my name.” My response (in my head), I wasn’t asking for money just for a little encouragement from my daddy………

The summer before school started I had to hustle. I needed clothes, bed linen, a trunk, window curtains, cleaning supplies, a refrigerator, microwave and money. I got a job at the neighborhood grocery store that sat on the corner of 79th street and 22nd avenue. It was perfect because it was within walking distance of our house and they gave me the early morning to early afternoon shift, which gave me time to work at ICCTDC in the evenings. With both jobs, I was able to get everything I needed.

It was finally time to go to Daytona Beach. Babalu wasn’t at home and after our last conversation, I didn’t feel a need to tell him I was leaving. My younger siblings knew though. A bitter sweet moment it was. I was excited and sad at the same time. Thoughts of new beginnings, new people and a brand new city filled my mind while my heart was crying. I was leaving them behind. Even now, I am tearful about how they felt anticipating and feeling my absence. The one person that they depended on was leaving, indefinitely. I nurtured them, disciplined them, gave them structure. I understood them. I loved them. But as life would have it, I was pulled in a different direction. A direction that some of them would come to know as their own…

Kevin packed all of my things in the car and off I went. I spent most of my four hour drive staring out of the window wondering….wondering what was to come, wondering what my precious sisters were doing. I envisioned them crying uncontrollably, missing me the moment I pulled out of the parking lot. They would have to do their own hair, wash their own clothes…they would have to take my position and take care of the boys. And what were they supposed to do….the boys? I felt like they needed me most. Babalu had placed us in an environment where things could be forced upon you if you didn’t have the right guidance and Duke’s life was a reflection of just that. He was already troubled and in and out of the juvenile detention center. I just knew that, without my guidance, Trea, Chaz and Eddie would follow suit. They were only 9, 10, and 11 years old.

At the same time, I knew that I had to go. I had to move on so that they could move on….