Intimacy

There he was staring at me……dressed sharply with a presence that made you stop in your tracks. We met before, probably shared some of the same classrooms in junior high school. But because I had isolated myself back then, I had only gotten to know a few people and I don’t remember them being guys. As I scrolled through my news feed, I couldn’t bypass the post without saying something….so I did. The next day, there he was…opening the door to something I had never dreamed of. I was beyond myself because that little girl from the eighth grade still lives in me. I remain intimidated by those I purposely separated myself from because I felt like I didn’t belong. My feeder high school recently had a 20 year reunion and ohh how I wanted to go. I knew a great majority of the atendees because we attended middle school together. But I was afraid…afraid of not belonging. I had carried these feelings into my adult life. Here I was 37 years old, with the same emotions I felt when I was 12 years old, standing at the “D” waiting for the bell to ring. What would they think when they saw me? Would anyone talk to me? Many of them are my Facebook friends, but what did that mean? I’ve befriended people that I have never mumbled a word to. Would they look at me and laugh? Would they still look at me as the “stank, dirty girl”. I didn’t know and lacked the courage to find out. A rarity for me.

During our first conversation, I told him how I felt. He, unintentionally, minimized my feelings telling me that it was ok…..he commented “You’re a grown woman now.” As our conversation progressed, I grew more and more attracted to him. We were only friends for a short period of time but I felt as if I knew him. Through photographs, I believe I gained a pretty good understanding of him. I won’t say too much cause the some of y’all will be breaking your necks after reading this post trying to figure our who he is. The most important thing about him is that he was in love with his family. We talked and I soon revealed that day was a special one, and to my surprise, he offered to celebrate with me.

We greeted each other with a hug. You can tell so much by the way a person hugs you, and his told me that he had been waiting for that moment for a long time. In addition, he smelled so good. His musk filled cologne caused me to to close my eyes during our embrace, calling all attention to my sense of smell. We sat down and immediately our hands interlocked. With my hand in his he rubbed my right thigh up and down ever so gently. Our interaction with one another was as organic, it was effortless.

We arrived to my complex, parked and sat in silence for all of 60 seconds. And before I knew it, he had crossed the armrest of his car and kissed me passionately. Awakening parts of my body that had been asleep due to non-use, I was drawn to him. His kisses were even more intense than his hugs. He seemed intense. After about 15 seconds of lip locking we both would draw back from one another, look into each other’s eyes, and commence to kiss again. This went on for a good 40 minutes. Our energy was such that all of the car windows had fogged.

The next evening he came over. My son was away at a friend’s and wasn’t due back for a couple of days. I prepared for his arrival by tidying things up a little. I am not a slob but didn’t want him to see the mountains of clothes I had waiting to be folded. So, I threw them in Adrian’s room, it was a mess anyway. I put on a sexy pair of Victoria Secrets “cheekers”, a sexy T-shirt and a pair of wacky sox that came to my knees. I don’t know why I put those on. I guess I wanted to look sexy and girly at the same time? I had prepared myself a cocktail so that I could relax a little. We sat on my sofa talking, with one of my Pandora mixes in the background. And there we were kissing again. I’m tingling just thinking about him. I don’t know about you but I think kisses can be just as or more intimate than sex at times. And his were. Our kisses were only interrupted because he wanted to stare into my eyes in between. His hands navigated by body softly as if he knew his way around. I melted and before we knew it, he way lying on top of my sucking my nipples and kissing my breast. It was over at that point. But I had to stop him.

Months prior, I found out I had the virus that caused Herpes Simplex 2. I noticed unusual activity in my coochie area. Initially, I thought it was a hair bump and being a person who shaved with a razor, this was common. But the next day, I noticed a cluster of “abnormalities.” They were fluid filled and very painful. Being a health care provider, I was almost certain of what it was. Coincidentally, I had a lab slip for STD screening I’d received from my gynecologist months prior. I immediately went to Quest Lab to get things checked out and two days later, I got “the call.” It was my gynecologist telling me that my HSV 2 test was positive. I was at work, surrounded by people, so I spoke as quietly as I could. She asked if I had had a history of HSV 2 and I told her no. I only had HSV 1 that caused cold sores from time to time. Naturally she asked if had noticed any vaginal lesions and I went on to explain what I was experiencing. She called in a prescription for Valtrex which I had to take for seven days.

I told him that I had something to say. As he awaited my conversation, I could feel his tension. Nervous about what I was about to reveal, I paused and then told him about the virus. He asked me if that precluded sex and I told him no but I did not want to put him at risk. I mean I wasn’t having an outbreak at that time but wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened. After the very uncomfortable conversation, the kissing commenced. I was drawn to him even more because he didn’t jump out of my bed and hit the door running. He handled me like a gentleman. And before I knew it, we were making love…..