Fill The Void

Good morning. I want to say thank you to you all for your words of encouragement. I so appreciate you taking the time out to read my blog and actually comment. I ask that you share this with any and everyone you think could use it. I have not reached my wisest years, but I do believe that the experiences outlined in my blogs will embolden someone else to face their own challenges and insecurities. Again, thank you.

It was the funniest thing. As I was writing my last entry, my father called me. The first thing I heard after I answered was “Aye, you forget about me” (He is from the Bahamas and his accent remains). I go on to tell him that I was just thinking about him. My thoughts were obviously not enough because he repeated what I said with tons of attitude, LOL. Of course, he wanted me to grease his palm and needed it before 3pm (It was 1:30pm. He lives in the “City” and I live in Pembroke Pines). Nevertheless, he got his cash and was a happy man again.

My next memories as a child were probably a year or two later. We had moved by now and lived in a duplex on 80th street and 12th avenue, within walking distance from Arcola Lakes Elementary (my first elementary school). The duplex had two bedrooms, one at the very front and the other settled in the middle. By this time there were about four or five of us. My brother closest to me is 10 months younger and my mom had a child every year until 1984 (She rested in 1979, SMH). We slept in the front bedroom and my parents in the middle.

Ya-Yow and Babalu were enduring relationship pains most of us deal with today. He was a very handsome Bahamian musician that loooooved women. And she was a much younger woman who was obviously very much in love with him. Or, was she? I believe my mother had a high school education. (I have to ask one of my aunts). However, she didn’t work. How could she with all of those damn children. Her time was also spent worrying about what and who my father was doing. Her interest led her to stake out at the Banana Boat on the weekends. Although she would leave the older kids at home, she would take the youngest at the time with her. Yes, to sit up at the bar and watch my dad.

What my mother was going through is crystal clear. I understand her because I was her. You see, my mother was voided.

Abandonment by my parents made me extremely insecure. I know that may come as a surprise to those who have grown to know me. But the strength you see is overshadowed by great uncertainty. My mother left her baby girl kicking and screaming, calling for her. That moment defined a good portion of my life, leaving me voided. Longing for someone to walk through the door and say, I’m here. I won’t leave you….. Thus, I developed relationships with men that weren’t the best for myself nor my son. I was in search of….In search of acceptance, love, understanding. My circumstances had given me the tenacity to endure these relationships much longer than I needed to. But, that same tenacity made me even more insecure.